Caution: These activities were completed under controlled test-conditions.* Do not attempt in Real Life.
1. Attempt to open your son’s school locker by pressing the car remote.
2. Drop son off to school and get halfway home before you realise you’re not supposed to be going home, you’re supposed to be going to work.
3. Show up on time for Year 11 – when you’re supposed to be teaching Year 8.
4. Overbalance when you stomp on the non-existent clutch in your automatic car (after not having driven a manual/stickshift for five years straight).
5. Walk into doorframe. Repeatedly.
6. Walk into the corner of the bed on your way back from the bathroom at night. Every night. Maintain consistent bruises on your thighs.
7. Show up early for a meeting – when you’re supposed to be teaching Year 7.
8. Miss your mouth entirely and throw your orange juice over your shoulder instead of drinking it.
9. Put the Thing in the wrong Thing. You know, the Thing with the Thingies? The Thing-Thing. Words. Urgh. THING.
10. Borrow your mother’s car. Cut the final corner on your way home with the sun just skimming the rooftop in front of you, neatly blinding you. Hit something. Bounce up so high that your head hits the ceiling of the car. Sit stunned as you wonder how on earth you managed to hit the gutter – you know you cut the corner, but surely not THAT badly? Peer confusedly as someone taps on your window. Die, as you realise that actually you didn’t hit a gutter, you literally ran over the bonnet of a tiny, old car belonging to tiny, old people that you didn’t see because Sun and that you hit because Cutting Corner, but actually all because Exhausted.
(Bonus: 11. Never be allowed to drive your mother’s car again :P)
* Lies, all lies.